The Toilet Bowl

Disclaimer: The following article contains a modicum…well, maybe some…well, actually a plethora of sarcasm so please read at your own risk.

As the NFL regular season is rapidly coming to an end and visions of playoffs dance in players’ and fans’ heads, along with the post-season comes the dreaded joke that is the Pro Bowl.

Let’s be serious for a moment folks, who REALLY watches the Pro Bowl anymore? Especially since the football powers that be decided in their infinite wisdom to schedule the game the week before the Super Bowl. Of course, players elected to the game who will be playing in the big game won’t play for risk of injury and because they need to get ready for a more important game. Thus, backups (although adept and still pros in the purest sense of the word) will be “manning” the field (pun intended) which would make the Pro Bowl more like the quasi-Pro Bowl. And who wants to watch that? It’s like watching America’s Next Top Model with homely 5’4” contestants.

Anyway, after careful thought and consideration I have compiled a list of ten things I would much rather be doing than watching the game; however, having it on the television as background noise is still a very viable option.

1. Shaving my legs. While they are, indeed, rather long, no matter how slowly I go to avoid adding to my “gotta hurry up” scars, I do not foresee this task taking three-plus hours. So I would have to add in tweezing my eyebrows, taking a bubble bath, and giving myself a pedicure. For guys, manscaping would suffice, especially if one is really hirsute—that could, in fact, take three hours.

2. Filing my income taxes. This does not need any more explanation although I know for a fact that it will take (as it always has) well over three hours.

3. Watching anything on CNN. Subjecting myself to hours of politically-spun socialist propaganda certainly does not sound like fun. But it would be slightly better than viewing the Pro Bowl.

4. Waterboarding myself. For those of you unfamiliar with this somewhat questionable interrogation technique first utilized by the US Central Intelligence Agency, it is a form of water torture in which the “victim’s” face is covered with a cloth and water is poured over it which, essentially, causes the individual to experience the sensation of drowning. Sounds pleasant, doesn’t it? Whereas I do, in fact, possess advanced criminal justice degrees and am familiar with the process, I have never tried it. And since I probably won’t be able to find any willing participants, I would be forced to volunteer myself. Somehow I don’t think that being the drowner and the drownee simultaneously will be effective, but it would still be better than subjecting myself to the Pro Bowl.

5. Watching HGTV with my mother who watches EVERYTHING on that channel, especially House Hunters International, all the while talking incessantly about everything and anything and sometimes, if I am really lucky, she breaks into tone-deaf song—usually something Broadway and/or with Richard Harris. Camelot is her all-time favorite.

6. Babysitting my friend’s oh-so-annoying kids. While I normally enjoy being around children, these two little sociopaths definitely have San Quentin written all over them.

7. Immersing myself in any one or 20 of the 7,000 game and/or app requests my friends on Facebook send me even after I have repeatedly asked them to stop.

8. Mowing the lawn and pulling weeds. Grass allergy aside, I absolutely despise yard work because I can’t effectively grow anything thanks to my two black thumbs (dissimilar, of course, to the black thumbs suffered by frostbite victims or hospital patients with necrotizing fasciitis). My recent indoor herb garden is now a veritable dirt garden. Good thing you can’t kill dirt. I did manage to murder a cactus once, but I digress (and it’s embarrassing).

9. Cleaning the gutters and washing the windows. Not of my house, of course, because it’s too small and would not take three hours but I’m sure I could get a wealthy homeowner to permit me to do menial cleaning tasks for a small fee. Hey, NFL players are wealthy homeowners…

10. Finding a date on FarmersOnly.com. No offense to all those farmers, ranchers, cowboys, or cattle rustlers out there, it’s just not my “thing.” Especially now since I am off the market.

Now that I’ve offended pretty much everyone, my work here is done.

“Politics is like football; if you see daylight, go through the hole.” ~ John F. Kennedy

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